Mystery meat
by ayame-means-iris
Summary: Japan invites Germany to watch America eat a new invention of Japanese food science!
1. Chapter 1

Japan was reading over the requests for funding from his top scientists when he ran across something that drew his sudden, intense interest. _Is this for real?_ he wondered. Considering the many utterly bizarre proposals he'd seen before, he had to assume it was. Then he was struck by the possible uses he could put such a product to, and he knew he had to investigate this scientist's work personally.

"So, you believe that there will be a use for this product in the future?" he asked the scientist in a soft serious voice. "Oh, yes. Japan has so little land suitable for raising animals for meat that if, in the future, we wish to eat meat, then we will have to have many appropiate substitutes. Not everyone can eat wheat gluten, and some find soy protein by itself problematic. And, this meat substitute is nutritionally complete."

Japan examined the detailed charts, observed the process, and finally sampled the product. He had to admit, tasting it gave him a little thrill. And it was rather tasty.

"Do you think you could make a hamburger out of this? I have a friend that I would like to try it." Japan asked very politely while signing the release for full funding of the scientist's work. "Of course. It would be my pleasure." _Yes, and mine too, _thought the nation of Japan with a secret little smile.

The next day Germany got a call. "Hallo? Oh, it's nice to hear from you Japan. What can I help you with?" The German's prominent brow furrowed at the uncharacteristic sound of Japan giggling. "I would like very much to invite you to a small get together at my house. It's today at two o'clock. America will be coming too. I've invented a new hamburger I want him to try." Germany stared doubtfully at the phone. _Is this some kind of prank?_ "Japan, I know you dislike me being so direct, but are you drunk, or is this some kind of joke?" Japan giggled again and merely said, "You know I don't play jokes on _you_ Germany. I think the joke is on someone else..." Germany absorbed that idea and a slow, wicked smirk spread across his face. "I'll be there."

America arrived at Japan's peaceful and secluded home a little late. He found Japan and Germany waiting for him with three identical hamburgers. "Ah, it's good to see you again Alfred. I already explained the process by which these hamburgers were made to Germany-san. I'll have to tell you after we sample them, otherwise they will get cold." Japan gestured gracefully for America to take a seat at the table. "Well, it's true that a hamburger is better hot, so we better dig in guys! I'm starving!" America picked up the burger. _It seems just as heavy as usual_._ I wonder what Japan did different? _

After eating so many hamburgers in his life, he had begun to enjoy sampling the many different varieties of hamburger found at restaurants and fast food chains around the world, as well as vegetarian burgers. Besides beef burgers, he'd had burgers made of bison, kangaroo, ostrich, alligator, pork, soy, tempeh, quorn, as well as an intricate dish composed of layers of ground sirloin, foie gras, and wine-braised short ribs, assembled to look exactly like a fast-food burger. But none of them seemed to quite hit the same place in him as a good ole' all American beef hamburger. Despite this, he was always excited and flattered to try another country's attempt to improve on perfection.

First he smelled it. It smelled pretty good, except for the usual soy sauce flavor that seemed to permeate all of Japan. "Mmm! Smells good! I'd give it a...seven." He looked up at the two countries sitting across from him. _What's with the intense look in Germany's eye? He looks even more creepy serious than usual. And Japan is smiling. He looks like a hyper chihuahua about to go for a walk. What the hell!_ "Hey, aren't you guys going to eat?" He said, stopping just as he was about to take the first bite.


	2. Chapter 2

Germany and Japan exchanged glances, then reached casually for their burgers. Germany took a bite and chewed thoroughly. He turned to Japan, "This really is good!" he said sounding a bit surprised. Japan nodded enthusiastically. "Thank you, but really the credit must go to the inventor Mitsuyuki Ikeda." The two countries watched America's reaction furtively.

America's natural suspicion was mollified by their actions, and he quickly took an enormous bite. He paused for half a second to savor the flavor. "Ya know, that's not bad!" he said with his mouth full, then proceeded to rapidly scarf down the rest of the burger. Seeing an empty plate, he looked forlornly at the two countries across from him, who were not even half way done yet. America's tummy rumbled and he made puppy dog eyes at Japan. "Is there any more? Just one really isn't enough..." he mumbled, watching longingly as Germany and Japan ate.

Germany was enjoying his burger, but more than that he was enjoying the look on America's face while he ate it. "You know, it's rude and selfish of you to want more than your fair share. You're so greedy just to satisfy that appetite of yours." Germany lectured him, while smacking his lips, clearly enjoying watching America suffer. Japan watched amused as Germany went so far as to lick his fingers of the last bit of sauce, while America whined. "Why do you have to rub it in like that man? You know I'm starving here. Damn Germans and their schadenfreude..." he muttered, then turned to Japan.

"Are you going to eat that?" he pointed to Japan's burger. It only had a few bites taken out of it. Of course Japan only ate until 85% full and apparently that didn't take much. Japan put on an act of thinking about it, then said, "Well, I'll let you have the rest-" "YES! I knew I could count on you Japan!" "-if you let me feed it to you." "What?" America's brow furrowed with confusion. His spidey senses were tingling again.

Germany actually smirked, laced his fingers together and leaned forward over the table slightly. He obviously couldn't wait to see the show.

"What the hell's going on here? You aren't getting some kind of thrill out of this are you?" America asked the two countries across from him. He knew they were into some weird stuff, but were they getting off on...feeding him? _Actually, that would be kinda nice..._ the thought involuntarily crossed his mind, and he had to quickly squash it. _No! I'm not a pervert like them! No matter how much I fantasize about lying in bed all day while being fed burgers and getting a BJ-Arg! Think unsexy thoughts! _He shook his head trying to drive out the images.

"Come on America. Don't you want more of this hamburger? Don't worry, no one will know that you let me feed you..." Japan was using his cute voice again, the one that convinced America to buy all that Hello Kitty crap. On credit. "Dammit. Okay, but you guys have to promise not to tell anyone!" America tried to glare at both of them in turn, but it was largely ineffective because their only response was to nod at him gleefully.

Japan fed him the hamburger one tidbit at a time, all the while urging him not to eat too quickly in that cutesy voice of his. He even tried that dumb game of pulling the morsel away at the last moment, giggling and then finally feeding it to him. _Oh god. I've never felt so dirty from eating before. Where the hell is Germany's hand!_ America squeezed his eyes shut and tried to block out the knowledge of what those perverts were doing. He tried to just focus on the delicious taste, his tummy slowly becoming fuller, the gnawing ache there gradually being satisfied...He swallowed and licked his lips sensually. He was starting to sweat. The food had stopped coming. He opened his eyes.

Japan's hands were now also beneath the table. He had a dreamy look on his face. Germany gave him a nudge and leaned over to whisper in his ear. The Japanese nodded and reached down to pull a manila folder from his briefcase. He slid it across the table for America to open.

"What's this? It isn't some kind of payment is it? 'Cause I don't roll like that." America was babbling trying to cover up the fact that he had developed an erection. _Fucking perverts making me all pervy just like them. God dammit! _He opened the folder. "What's this? Some kind of science experiment? Oh, it's how the hambugers are made...Hey, what's this say on the flow chart? Ha ha ha! I think you have some typos on this report. That's a hell of a mistranslation Japan! Sewage mud! Oh my god! That's the best one yet!" America laughed hysterically, "According to your official government report, your burger's made of poop! Ha ha ha!"

Japan looked like he was about to explode. With laughter. And Germany was grinning diabolically. "That's not a mistranslation." He said bluntly. America's smile fell off his face like an egg sliding off a teflon coated pan in an infomercial. "Huh?" he said intelligently. Japan giggled at how America seemed to deflate. In reality, he more than just_ seemed _to deflate. "Yes, it is true America-san. The proteins are extracted, recycled if you will, from sewage. Did you enjoy eating it...right from my hand...while we watched?" Japan stretched out the question as though he was savoring every word.

America's mouth hung open. His mind was blank with shock, then finally a tsunami of horror filled his brain. "You were watching me eat-it wasn't just-oh my god that's so dirty! How could you get-oh my god!-from watching that!" He jumped up and stormed out of the room, utterly outraged. "You two are so fucking sick! Ugh, how could you do that to a burger!" he cried as he tried to forget how good it tasted.

Japan and Germany practically collapsed with laughter, tears coming to their eyes, hanging off eachother until, some time later, they finally calmed down. "Hoo! Wow, thanks for inviting me Japan. I haven't had such a good time in, I don't know, forever!" Germany sighed, still hanging onto the smaller nation. Japan looked up into Germany's shining blue eyes and and asked him sincerely, "Do you want to...you know?" Germany pressed his forehead against Japan's and pressed a tender kiss onto his lips. "Yes." As they made their way to the bedroom, German said softly, "You know, it really was a good burger." "Oh, I'm glad you think so." Japan replied happily as he gently closed the door.


End file.
